


Bureaucratic Inconveniences

by brsb4hls



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Anal Fingering, Bottom Crowley (Good Omens), Dagon lord of the files - Freeform, Humor, M/M, Oil as Lube, Top Aziraphale (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 20:15:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20315386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brsb4hls/pseuds/brsb4hls
Summary: Dagon goes through Crowley's miracle receipts, so the demon has to cut back on them in the bedroom. Aziraphale is not amused.





	Bureaucratic Inconveniences

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a post about what hell would say to some of Crowley's miracles and expanded a bit on that.  
Mostly humor, not that sexy ;)

*

Crowley miracled himself a glass of wine and leaned back on his leather couch, one leg draped over the backrest, the other on the floor. 

He was naked except for a pair of boxer briefs, because he loved the sensation of the warm leather clinging to his skin.

The demon switched on his tv, and started flipping through the channels, intent on doing absolutely nothing for at least the next twelve hours.

Crowley was just beginning to truely wind down, when the cartoon coyote on the tv screen turned it’s head in a creepy angle and looked Crowley directly into his yellow snake eyes.

„DEMON CROWLEY. YOUR PRESENCE IS REQUESTED. REPORT IMMEDIATLY TO LORD DAGON FOR EVALUATION.“

The coyote blinked at Crowley, and got hit by a big rock.

Groaning Crowley switch off the tv and stretched himself.  
Evaluation was a real bugger.  
It usually meant he was getting bitched at for not meeting his temptation quota or misusing miracles and could lead to some very unpleasent consequences.

Figuring it would be wise to not make it worse, Crowley hurried to miracle into his casual clothes ( dark suit, dark shirt, silver bolo tie), tied his hair back and dragged himself out the door.

\---

Unsurprisingly hell was still dark and dank and reeked of sulfur.  
Crowley slouched through the hallways, pushing, shoving and kicking, until he reached Dagon’s office.  
He cleared his throat and knocked.

„Come in.“  
Crowley pushed the door open and slipped inside.

„Yeah, I was supposed to report?“

„Demon Crowley, yes“ Dagon lisped through their pointy shark teeth.

„I’ve been doing my biannual evaluation and, ehm, noticed some inconsistencies regarding your use of miracles.“

Dagon’s fish eyes blinked murkyly at Crowley.

„Uh“ said Crowley „ if this is about my style, well I’m supposed to work tempations, I need to present in a certain way, clients expect that.“

„Yes, I’m aware, that-that is not the issue.“ Dagon scrubbed a scaley hand over their face.

„See“ they explained „ it does have to do with temptations, yes, but more the way you seem to perform? Hell is afraid you might be taking the risk of, eh, exposing yourself as an occult entity.“

Crowley furrowed his brow. „No that’s- I’m a professional, what makes you think that?“

Dagon cleared their throat and reached into a deskdrawer, pulling out a bunch of notes.  
They flicked through them and held one up, showing it to Crowley:  
„This one here says you used a miracle to, eh, expand your anus and lubricate it? There are several of those over the last weeks. Wouldn’t humans, eh, wonder about that?“

Crowley’s ears turned pink. He vividly remembered every single one of those instances, all of them involving a very horny and very impatient angel.

„Ugn, yes, no, well, I just tell them I did it before. Get’s them really hot usually and then it’s you know, right down to buisness.“

„I see.“ Dagon dug through their papers again.  
„What about miracling away secretions?“

Crowley wished for the ground to swallow him but regarding the fact that in hell he was already at earth's deepest he knew it was futile.

„Ngk, that, yeah I do it when they’re gone, they don’t notice, really.“

Dagon raised a damp brow.  
„What about this? You used a miracle to be able to keep parts of your snake anatomy during penetration. It says on the receipt ‚human equivalent to hemipenis‘?“

Crowley spluttered and started to sweat.  
„Ugn, I, yeah, that, well, uhm, toy? I mean I told them it was, uhm, artificial? They didn’t notice, I’m sure.“

\-----

Downing a whole bottle of Single Malt right after he left hell helped Crowley a bit, but not much.  
Thankfully there were no further consequences, probably due to the fact that Dagon might have been as uncomfortable as Crowley and just wanted the whole thing to be over.

When Aziraphale called the next evening, Crowley was reluctant, but unable to resist.  
So he found himself on Aziraphale’s cushion ladden bed in the stuffy little room above the book shop about two minutes after the angel had hung up.

He had never been reprimanded for teleportation after all.

Aziraphale was all over him in an instant, kissing and groping and rubbing.

„Oh I’ve missed you quite a lot my dear. I could simply not help myself and had to imagine your gorgeous form all day. Oh don’t make me wait, love“ Aziraphale whispered into Crowley’s ear while dragging his pants down and slipping his thick but deft fingers up the demon’s crack.

Crowley groaned. „Ah, Aziraphale, ugh, stop, angel stop a second.“ 

Aziraphale retracted his hand and looked down at Crowley slightly concerned.  
„Whatever is the matter, dear boy?“

The demon threw a hand over his face.  
„Look“ he mumbled „sorry, but you have to do it this time.“

Aziraphale raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Miracle me ready“ Crowley bit out.

The angel looked slightly flustered.

„Oh, oh no Crowley, I cannot possibly do that. What would heaven say if they saw? No that is simply out of the question. You‘re the demon, your responsible for the, ah, carnal pleasures, you do it.“

Crowley pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.  
„I can’t angel. I’ve just been evaluated, they went through my miracle receipts. I managed to bullshit my way out of it this time but it won’t work again.“

Aziraphale sat back frowning. „What are we supposed to do then?“

„Uhm, try the human way?“

They were still in their clothes, at least mostly.  
Crowley was naked from the waist down but wearing socks.  
„All right, let’s get all of this off first“ he suggested, trying for enthusiastic and missing by a mile.

They undressed in a very slow and annoying way. Aziraphale folded his clothes, Crowley just threw his off the bed.

„Fine“ the demon grumbled, „ we need something slippery, do you have, uhm, stuff?“

Aziraphale made an indignant face. „ Oh but of course not, whyever would I?“

„Dunno, wanking?“ Crowley suggested.

Now Aziraphale looked downright scandalized.

„Angel, your shagging a demon, don’t go all holier-than-thou on me“ Crowley remarked.

„Oh Crowley, that is a completely different matter. I am expressing my love and adoration to you in a physical way and-"  
"You’re banging me through the matress on a daily basis. Ok, maybe not today, unless you got anything else to, uhm, ease the way?“

Aziraphale thought about that.

„I really don’t think I do. I usually miracle everything. Oh wait“ his face lit up. „There might be some flaxseed oil I use on my books!“

Aziraphale rolled off the bed and waddled out of the room.

Crowley heard some rummaging around, than the angel returned with a medium sized brown bottle.  
He held it up triumphantly and clambered back onto the bed.  
„There, Now, how to proceed?“

„Get it on your fingers, get your fingers up my arse" Crowley supplied helpfully.

„Oh I know the basics, don’t get snippy, I was wondering how much and how to, ah start.“

Aziraphale unscrewed the bottle cap and poured some oil into his hand. It ran off his palm and dripped onto the bedding.  
Aziraphale cursed. He spread the rest over his fingers and sat back on his heels regarding Crowley.  
„Ah how do I, that is to say, how do you…?

Crowley made an annoyed sound and threw his head back. Then he reached underneath his thighs and pulled them up, spreading them.

Aziraphale glanced at Crowleys exposed, hairy hole and blushed. „Oh that looks positively decadent my dear.“

„Yeah and it’s uncomfortable, so get on with it“ Crowley grumbled.

Aziraphale slowly extended his index finger and pushed it into Crowley unceremoniously.

„Ouch“ the demon hissed. „You’re supposed to go slow.“ 

„Oh but I did, it’s only one finger.“

„But you can‘t just ram it in like that. Ugh, to late, move it a bit at least.“

Aziraphale started to twist his finger and dragged it back and forth. 

After a while Crowley started to mewl a bit.  
"Ah, it’s starting to get good, do another, but slowley.“

Aziraphale pulled his finger out, added more oil to his hand and the bed and slowley pressed his middle and indexfinger back inside. Crowley hissed and pushed back.

After a while of pushing in and out, Aziraphale started to wiggle a bit and make little unhappy sounds.  
„How long is this going to take? This is a truely unfortunate position and I think my hand is starting to cramp up a bit.“

Crowley lifted his head.  
"Seriously? It’s uncomfortable for you?“ My arms are about to fall off. Ok, pull out.“

Aziraphale did, way to quickly, and Crowley blessed.  
Then he turned over on his belly and wrestled a frilly pillow underneath his hips.  
„There, and you can lay on your side or something.“ 

Aziraphale rolled over, shimmying down a bit to be more comfortable and proceeded.

After an excrutiatingly long period of time it finally started to really do it for Crowley.  
The wide stretch and rhythmic drag over his inner walls stimulated his nerves and Crowley felt shivers running down his spine and heat coiling in his pelvis. He was hard and leaked onto the pillow in a steady drip.

„Mmmmmm, angel“ he sighed.

„Oh are you almost ready, dear. I’ve waited quite a long time.“ Aziraphale pressed.

Crowley pushed his arse back, circling it a bit.  
„You know, Aziraphale, this could be really fun if you weren’t such a selfish bastard. People can come like this, full on penetration isn’t even necessary.“

Aziraphale huffed at that and slowley retreated his fingers. Crowley whined in protest. 

Aziraphale leant over the demon’s sweaty back and whispered in his ear:  
„Oh Crowley are you saying you don’t want my cock? You do not want be to impale you on my flaming sword, to push my heavenly member into your fiery, moist hell pit and douse you in my heavenly-"

"Angel stop, you’re discorporating me“ Crowley spluttered, laughing.  
He wiped his eyes and shook his arse. „Just get on with the buggering, will you.“

Aziraphale smiled widely.

„Gladly my dear“ he said, kneeling behind Crowley. He oiled up his cock, holding it with one hand, while his other spread Crowley’s cheeks.  
Crowley felt the press and push with relief und ground back.

\---

Aziraphale wrinkled his nose and dabbed at the sticky substance coating his pillow. „I suppose I can miracle that“ he mused.

„Awesome, what about the stuff up my arse?“ Crowley complained.

„Oh don’t grouse, dear, I’ll get you a something to clean up“ Aziraphale soothed, pressing a kiss to the demon’s temple while clambering out of bed.

Crowley followed the plump angelic backside with an appreciative glance.

Aziraphale returned with a wet washcloth and started to gently dab it between Crowley’s thighs.  
„You know, dear“ he mused „I don’t think heaven checks that thoroughly. One or two small miracles should be feasible the next time.“

****


End file.
